Hooray, it’s lunch time, the only good part of the day while the sun is out! “Yum yum yum, here comes the fun!” Oh, but wait a second: you’re on a diet. Aw, that’s sad, but don’t worry! There’s still plenty of other meals you can eat. Obviously you would rather just order a pizza and mash it into your face until it absorbs into your bloodstream, but unfortunately that time is in the past because your metabolism is dead, okay? It’s fucking dead and it’s never coming back. Every carb you eat now becomes a permanent part of your silhouette and the only possible salvation for your disgusting body is to show a little bit of goddamn self-control and eat healthy for a change.
Here’s a few fresh, easy options!
Photo by Neilson Barnard / Getty Images
Mmm, kale! The healthy treat that definitely doesn’t taste like a pile of old wet leaves. Kale’s fun because you get to talk about it and everyone loves hearing about it. You wonder “when will my co-workers ask what I’m having for lunch?” but then they don’t so you have to do all the work, as always, and bring it up first. Yet they never seem as impressed as they should be. Don’t they understand? You’re eating healthy. You’re not asking for a goddamn medal here but they could at least smile and say “congratulations on your accomplishments. I know I could not show this kind of inner strength.” Still, you’re not eating healthy for the short game. It’s a marathon, not a sprint. Suffer through your kale salad and dream of your six-pack abs with each tasteless bite.
Alright, let’s compromise: how about this? It’s Italian! That’s close enough to what you like, right? It’s not as healthy as it could be but maybe instead of meatballs, you could cook up some vegetables and that could be a pretty decent meal, I guess. Listen, here’s the thing—eating pizza every single day is not sustainable for a healthy person. That was a bad habit and you should be thankful you didn’t already kill yourself by way of Domino’s™ Pizza Tracker®.
Okay, if this is really going to be so hard for you, maybe you could try eating all of the ingredients to pizza, but one at a time? Maybe have a little piece of bread at 11am, a slice of cheese at Noon, a shot of sauce at 1, then snack on slivers of pepperoni and mushroom throughout the afternoon. Think of it like a nicotine patch for your addiction to peasant food!
If you’re going to be this way, then how about we just don’t eat at all? I’m fine with that. You could just starve to death for all I care. You said “I want to eat healthy” but then go on to reject every idea. We get it. You want pizza. Good for you!
Oh, Jesus. Look at yourself, fucking your mouth with carb-dicks that your co-workers left in the garbage. It didn’t have to be this way. We could’ve gone over all the great things you could’ve done with cauliflower, quinoa, rice, avocado—there’s a whole world of other food options out there, but hey, whatever makes you happy. I just wish you didn’t drag me into this.
Follow Grant on Twitter @grantpa.