Do you have eyes that work and a psyche that can withstand witnessing multiple acts of violence? Are you passionate enough about social media that you are willing to expose yourself to potentially traumatic events? Then you may be the perfect candidate for this terrible position that is tragically necessary. Facebook is looking for energetic self-starters to join our growing team of livestream surveillance associates. This quirky branch of our company monitors our users’ usage of our livestream feature, just to make sure they are not using it for stuff like murder or child exploitation.
That is right, hang on to your beanies, because if you are lucky enough to be selected as a candidate for this job, you will be going on a wild ride of human atrocities, unfolding in real time and probably too fast for you to do anything but report the horrifying thing you just witnessed. If you like movies and possess enough empathy to keep paying attention to the livestream which at any moment might become a pageant of horrors, but not so much empathy that you are permanently scarred and unable to continue performing your job after the first soul-crushing thing you see, then please, please, dear lord, please read on!
-Familiarity with our company user agreement and policy—which does not allow for the wanton destruction of human life, nor the spewing of racist bile, nor forcing a minor to do something ungodly infant of a webcam—all of which you very well might see within a single 24-hour period.
-Ability to sit for long periods at a time, even when your entire body is begging you to avert your eyes from the monstrous behaviors of your fellow human beings.
-Ability to write detailed reports of the grotesque events for which you were an impotent spectator, just to make extra sure it is forever tattooed into your memory.
-A passion for policing the flagrant and disturbing abuse of something we introduced with the best intentions for fun stuff, like birthday parties.
-A realistic understanding of the human race as an imperfect species, and a sensible interpretation of historical narratives which leaves open the possibility that everyone, including yourself, is capable of barbaric acts, not just a few bad guys like Hitler and the mean characters in 12 Years a Slave.
- A really big monitor—the bigger, the better! The resolution of some streams is very poor and there’s a chance you might miss the mortifying incident as it occurs.
-That helmet from A Clockwork Orange that clamps your eyes open, just so you can’t instinctively shut them.
-Steady hands so you can type and send your report even if the violation of our company policy/everything you thought you knew about the world is currently happening.
-Send us a cover letter explaining how you are mentally stable and/or desperate enough to take this job! Please include a detailed account of any relevant experience, like a time you may have witnessed the torso of a carnival clown on stilts bifurcated by a helicopter rotor, or something like that.
-Send us a link—no attachments please!—to a reel of you watching ~5 minutes worth of videos from the dark web, all the while remaining absolutely calm, eyes wide open, unblinking, for the duration of each video.
-Answer the following just-for-fun questions: What’s your favorite color? If you could have any animal for a pet, real or imaginary, what would it be? And do you think you would have survived the Siege of Leningrad? And if so, how would you go on?
-Send us your CV, and it could literally say anything, because if you are okay with the above, then Facebook and its community desperately need you.
Steven Markow is a writer and comedian based in New York.