We’d like to interrupt tonight’s broadcast for a brief but vital message about the present state of journalism. Although we here at Channel 4 News are constantly blinking the words “HELP US” with our eyes using Morse code, the following message comes straight from the heart. Nobody is forcing us to say it, especially not the massive conservative conglomerate that signs our paychecks. We love working here and are definitely not held captive by an agenda we do not support. Now just smile and nod. Whoops, we weren’t supposed to read that part out loud.
Our ruthless overlords are extremely fair and balanced, unlike some of the reporting coming out of our nation’s pulverized cities. We ask that you take the biased reports of Godzilla’s destructive rampage with a grain of salt. Just because you’re seeing many credible videos and accounts of an enormous, prehistoric monster swinging its spiked tail and clobbering our major cities doesn’t mean you should believe them. These one-sided reports haven’t been fact-checked and expose the biases of the media, who use their platforms to control what people think. The real enemy is not the reptilian beast who supposedly just took the Chrysler Building and threw it like a javelin into New Jersey. No, the real enemy is false news.
Godzilla is a liberal fantasy created by CNN to stoke fear and undermine our wonderful president. The beast was not awoken from its ancient slumber because of President Trump’s “Bomb the Oceans” program. The “Bomb the Oceans” program has been a resounding success and it’s unpatriotic to say otherwise. It’s time people across this country began unconditionally supporting our president and his agenda. Do the throat slice motion with your finger directly into the camera. Darn, that part wasn’t supposed to be said out loud either.
Every day we see biased social media posts trying to draw attention to the radioactive behemoth that reportedly reduced all of California to rubble. And every day we refuse to publish these desperate grasps at attention. Our more negligent colleagues are perfectly willing to warn citizens in Godzilla’s path to seek shelter and retreat underground, but we will not play into the coastal elite liberal agenda. That’s simply not what we signed up for when we became local news anchors. We value a little thing called journalistic integrity here at Channel 4 News. Trust us, everything is fine. You are perfectly safe as long as you don’t look outside. Instead, keep your eyes glued to the television screen so we can tell you about how George Soros invented vaccines in order to turn your children into social justice activists.
Here at Channel 4 News, it’s our responsibility to pursue and report the truth. Truth can mean many different things. For us, truth is the stuff our broadcast company allows us to say without zapping us with a jolt of electricity. For others, truth might be vital information that helps citizens avoid Godzilla’s wrath. We refuse to wade into partisan waters like that, though. While left-leaning outlets will forever damage their credibility by running emergency broadcasts and segments on Godzilla survival tips, we will continue our twelve-part series on how our heroic President Trump single-handedly rescued a damsel who was tied to railroad tracks by a dastardly, old-timey villain.
Thank you for listening to this super casual, off the cuff assault on press freedom. And remember, the true monster is not this Godzilla you keep hearing about from everyone except our broadcast network. No, the monster you should fear is the mainstream media and its troubling campaign of bias and agenda. Continue smiling and nodding.
Bob Vulfov is a comedian and writer who lives in Brooklyn, NY. His website is way fancier than he is: bobvulfov.com.