Superstar Republicans like Bob Corker, Joni Ernst and Flab Gleebwell have something in common: they’ve all preemptively refused to serve as Donald Trump’s vice president. And they’re not alone: a total of 18,093 Republicans have all said if asked, they would not run. This leaves the presumptive GOP nominee in a jam, with only seven left for the nod. Here’s our insider shortlist.
1. El Chapo
Photo by Day Donaldson / Flickr
Earlier this year, El Chapo threatened the life of Mr. Trump, to which Trump relied, “Bring it, you fat, stupid bitch.” What better way to show you can unite our fractured country than to publicly reconcile? And you know how last weekend a rumor went around that El Chapo escaped? That actually happened—El Chapo sprung himself from jail to run with Trump! El Chapo knew that if Trump was elected, he could easily receive a presidential pardon. But I guess El Chapo didn’t gel with him, because he tunneled back into jail. Could another jailbreak be in El Chapo’s future? Stay tuned!
2. Hillary Clinton
Photo by Jessica Kourkounis / Getty Images
A dyed-in-the-wool Democrat, Madame Secretary wants nothing more than to become the first president in history to be the spouse of another president. But has she ruled out serving as Trump’s VP? Shockingly, no.
“I’m just being pragmatic,” said Secretary Clinton last week. “Think of all the good I can do from within The White House. Would you prefer me not in the room during important decisions? Plus, Donald is a delight, unless I win, in which case, he’s a disaster.
3. Nicole Arbour
Hey, remember her? You were really angry about her once! Well get ready to access those memories, because she just might be America’s next VP. Both she and Trump believe in the power of the free market, because the free marked soundly rejected her a few months back. They’re also both draft dodgers. Hopefully the two have some kind of fat people opinion in common? I dunno!
4. Professor Moriarty
The Napoleon of Crime? Or a shrewd businessman who seizes every opportunity? It’s hard to argue with the brilliance of the esteemed professor, who I daresay would pose quite the challenge to our adversaries across the pacific. On the other hand, he’s an evil hologram, forever trapped in the portable hard drive on Captain Picard’s desk. How’s he gonna serve from in there? I think we gotta pass on this guy, folks.
5. A Big, Talking Gun
We have long awaited the opinion of A Big, Talking Gun, but he recently tweeted this cryptic message:
Insiders speculate that this “new opportunity” is the Vice Presidency, unless a bird flew in front of the gun again. But bird murder or no, A Big, Talking Gun is incredibly popular in America, with over 45% of registered voters saying they’d like to fuck it. Could he be A Big, Talking Vice President? Time will tell!
6. The Google Image Search Results For “Ancient Evil”
Pretty scary stuff, folks. Seein’ a lotta demons in this here screencap. But these netherworlders piercing the veil between the darkness and the light could easily secure Arizona for Mr. Trump, bringing in 11 electoral votes. Plus, being seen with this infinite maw of screaming abominations might help Trump raise his popularity numbers. America loves the maw!
7. Dr. Robotnik
Dr. Eggman Robotnik is the odds-on favorite for Trump’s VP. Trump is said to “greatly admire” the way Dr. Robotnik converts animals into robots for no reason, and has also referred to the doctor as, “Jesus 2.” And we at Paste Magazine agree with Mr. Trump 1000%. That is why as of this moment, Paste Magazine officially endorses Dr. Robotnik as the next Republican Vice Presidential candidate. Don’t let us down, eggman!
Who would YOU like to see as Trump’s VP Candidate? Honestly, we don’t give a shit. Don’t bother tweeting at us with #TrumpVP @Paste_Comedy. Nah, we’re just kiddin’, you can do that!
Asterios Kokkinos is a comedian in Los Angeles and a real New Yorker.
Note: This is satire.