The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Happy Holidays, y’all!

I was going to take a bit of a break from the internet last week, but I didn’t because boy oh boy is real life boring. I wanted to be present, in the moment, and completely detached from technology, but had I accomplished all of that, I would’ve missed the writer of the movie Shrek saying the N word on Twitter— a Black Friday miracle. Here are a few Tweets that aren’t that one, but funny nonetheless.

I am thankful for nothing but my fat pussy.

— Alison Stevenson (@JustAboutGlad) November 22, 2018

If you fly with a significant other and they get up and stand as soon as the plane lands, dump them. Right then and there.

— nitz (@nitzbluv) November 21, 2018

Where do I apply? https://t.co/N8m6lYWdXR

— Martiñ Urbano (@MartinUrbano) November 20, 2018

happy “pretending to look at your hosts’ bookshelf while everyone chitchats” to the socially anxious

— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) November 22, 2018

Just got an std check. They’re doing well

— Joe tullar (@joetullar123456) November 21, 2018

Changed out of my “home” sweatpants into a nicer pair of sweatpants to drive to TJ Maxx and buy another pair of sweatpants

— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) November 24, 2018

The youth of the nation, or as I like to call them: friends of the p.o.d.

— hannah williamson (@hannahmcnoface) November 24, 2018

What exactly is the end game with Chrissy Teigen

— George Civeris (@georgeciveris) November 25, 2018

the screenwriter of shrek going absolutely nuts and comparing “anti-vax” to the n-word is precisely what this website was designed for. even in your wildest dreams you could not concoct such absurdity, such wonder

— KT NELSON (@KrangTNelson) November 24, 2018

I liked being young, dumb, and full of cum. I hate being old, bold, and full of mold.

— Sean O’Connor (@seanoconnz) November 23, 2018

WHY DOES EVERY ONLINE RECIPE BEGIN WITH A 40 PAGE ESSAY ABOUT SOMEONES HUSBAND DOG AND KIDS AND A BRISK WALK THEY TOOK IN THE FALL AND HOW THEY LOVE THE CHANGING OF THE LEAVES AND THEIR DOGS FAVORITE TREAT. GIMME THE RECIPE HON MY SCROLL FINGER HURTS

— Chelsea Peretti (@chelseaperetti) November 22, 2018

I don’t get how some people don’t have IBS

— Kate Berlant (@kateberlant) November 22, 2018

Big bad wolf is first trans femme icon !!!!Little red riding hood is the original TERF!!!!!

— Patti Harrison (@Party_Harderson) November 21, 2018

YOU WANNA KNOW HOW OLD I AM? I HAD CHICKEN POX

— KANGAROO MAC (@Dirt_God) November 20, 2018

The best part of the Dennis Rodman documentary where he goes to North Korea is [SPOILER ALERT] when he gets drunk and then they expect him to give a speech so they hand him a mic and he just starts singing santeria by sublime

— Sam Harter (@SlamHarter) November 20, 2018

It’s called “taking a walk” and your kids may be doing it to get high. Our full report at 11

— Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) November 22, 2018

5:07pm- oh look it’s the dead of night

— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) November 21, 2018

I love that trump supporters now have to be like “hell yeah we love saudi arabian crown prince Mohammed bin Salman! USA! USA!”

— Megan Amram (@meganamram) November 20, 2018

Whenever furniture delivery guys come to, like, assemble something, I suddenly forget HOw tO bE a PErsOn iN mY ApArtment. What do I usually do in here? Currently standing and rapidly thumbing through a random book. Might cook a single egg next?

— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) November 21, 2018