The Funniest Tweets of the Week

Hello, yes, Monday, it’s Monday, it’s another Monday in the world and we’re all here for some tweets. Well, it’s your lucky Monday: I’ve got a bunch of tweets here for you. I toiled all day in the tweet mines wearing my little tweet helmet holding my little tweet hammer. It’s hard work but I enjoy it, even the awful part where I have to change every embed link so it works in our CMS. That’s short for “content management system” for all you non-assistant comedy editors. The internet! It’s big and bad and we’re stuck in it together. Ha ha ha, oh god. Have a great week:

This is easily the best anecdote in the PBS Jonestown documentary, mostly because it passes by completely unexamined and unremarked-upon pic.twitter.com/weN9lV8gn5

— Kirk Hamilton (@kirkhamilton) January 21, 2018

my therapist is extremely gently trying to bring up the tenth anniversary of my mom’s death pic.twitter.com/9HuxoSKjoT

— darcie (@333333333433333) January 19, 2018

Still from a deleted scene from The Shape of Water. pic.twitter.com/C5K9uKB9I5

— Andy Beckerman (@AndyBeckerman) January 18, 2018

Call Me by Your Name (2017) dir. Luca Guadagnino pic.twitter.com/lIdJ0pTIfr

— cariñosa (@natalyolo) January 17, 2018

TONY: so one a my guys tells me AJ’s taken a “red pill” MELFI: he’s on drugs?TONY: nah glares back tears my fuckin kid’s on youtube, tellin the whole fuckin world he can’t get a date

— hello mister police (@jon_snow_420) January 17, 2018

The Women’s March is the perfect way to protest Trump because it’s a bunch of people exercising while holding up correctly spelled written material

— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) January 21, 2018

“if we let fascists spread their ideas, everyone will see how ridiculous they are & disavow them,” i said, in the country where people hear about eating tide pods & then try it

— Shaun (@shaun_jen) January 21, 2018

A cool way to kill a bad guy would be to leave him locked in a hot car. Marvel movie directors feel free to use this

— derek (@eedrk) January 21, 2018

person with red hat: i spent $20 on this to own trumpme 15 feet away: look its a maga shithead https://t.co/vPK45cZYwo

— reaghan (@reaghanhunt) January 20, 2018

Is Gizmo genuinely friendly with the humans, or is this merely an act, a survival strategy? Regardless of Gizmo’s intention, the effect is the same: he is the sole survivor of two Gremlin extinction events.

— Institute of Gremlins 2 Studies (@G2Institute) January 20, 2018

The asteroid Phaethon had a near miss with Earth, at only 6.2 million miles. To understand how close that is, imagine you taking your new car to a supermarket, and a shopping cart rolls past it only 6.2 million miles away.

— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) January 16, 2018

pic.twitter.com/0y79aaO5jZ

— Nick Zarzycki (@NickZarzycki) January 20, 2018

pic.twitter.com/5c1asrx7RD

— Eric Andre (@ericandre) January 21, 2018

pic.twitter.com/3NwhhyFkp7

— Anthony Oliveira (@meakoopa) January 20, 2018

I’ll say it: Scientology should start paying its performers.

— George Civeris (@georgeciveris) January 20, 2018

look at me,,,, look at me.,,, im the government now

— blasting rope to waluigi hentai (@yung_kropotkin) January 20, 2018

Now’s as good a time as any to launch my new currency, Beecoin, where every bee is a coin. And vice versa

— umami skeleton (@Merman_Melville) January 19, 2018

George Lucas – having mastered the Satsui No Hado – unleashes his Shun Goku Satsu on an unprepared J.J. Abrams pic.twitter.com/7EiHcGNURs

— Chariot (@ChariotDaGawd) January 17, 2018

pic.twitter.com/jNxBVKf4BR

— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) January 20, 2018

When you bomb your stand-up set pic.twitter.com/e84Nb6SI60

— rachel andelman (@rajandelman) January 18, 2018

the future of writing as a job is constantly hopping from one mattress startup company’s publication to another like those logs going down a waterfall in super mario 2

— merritt k (@merrittk) January 16, 2018

Strongly object to the “just” in this sentence pic.twitter.com/zb52vfqVmh

— giri (@girinathan) January 17, 2018

in other countries this is known as “taxes” pic.twitter.com/78AX976UiK

— josh androsky ???? (@ShutUpAndrosky) January 17, 2018

my ideal man is: -thicc ????-has a full time job ????-cute red hair ????-respects his mother ????controls the weather ?? is the heat miser ???? pic.twitter.com/TWg6AQb6h0

— Sophia Benoit (@1followernodad) January 18, 2018

sandler doing operaman at the 9/11 Concert for New York seemed strange at the time, but it was far more normal than anything that has happened since pic.twitter.com/3aDLM5xrWl

— ????churly whirly???? (@chumbawalden) January 17, 2018

Congratulations to President Trump, who scored a perfect 30/30 on his mental health test (a quiz in Highlights Magazine about the sounds that farm animals make)

— Jason O. Gilbert (@gilbertjasono) January 16, 2018

Looks like somebody took an advanced study spacework class at the UCB theatre! https://t.co/ON2nJ5fPs2

— Nick Wiger (@nickwiger) January 16, 2018

OK chill out https://t.co/xEUq1dtp9K

— Sam Taggart (@samttaggart) January 16, 2018