When the holidays roll around, there are two certainties that accompany them. The first – you’re going to see your family. The second – you’re going to see some of your family drunk. Bobby Moynihan’s Drunk Uncle character on Saturday Night Live is so hilarious because it was born out of so much truth that people can relate. The funny factor comes from DU’s over-the-top nuggets of slurred wisdom.
Moynihan captures the “back in my day” dynamic perfectly with DU. And SNL is wise to use that for knee-slapping bits near the holidays. Here are 10 of his best quotes, or at least the most coherent ones.
10. “When I was a kid, Easter use to mean something. We use to get dressed up. I wore a tuxedo for a week.”
9.“We use to color our eggs with lead paint. Now…there’s an app for that.”
8. “You know what my New Year’s resolution is? I’m going to watch the damn Vikings game, Gloria, and that’s final.”
7.“So I’m not a Miracle on 34th Street, okay. So I don’t have a corncob pipe and a button nose.”
6.“My nephew bought me a smart phone for Christmas. If it’s so smart, why can’t I get a driver’s license?”
5. (Singing)“Every kiss begins with Kay...put that in your iPad and smoke it.”
4.“Where’s the justice? A reindeer runs over grandma, he gets his own song. Drunk Uncle runs over one nativity scene and he has to change churches.”
3.“These kids today, they don’t even leave Santa milk and cookies anymore. They just leave him almond milk and Instagram crackers.”
2.“You know what I like about Christmas, though – that sexy green M&M lady. I would hit that.”
1. “You can’t even say ‘Merry Christmas’ any more. You gotta say, ‘Hey baby Jesus, you wanna do Pilates?’”