Jimmy Kimmel opened his show on Monday night with an emotional tale about how his newly born son almost died thanks to a heart problem discovered a couple hours after his birth. Kimmel ended it with a short plea to America’s politicians, and in response, Charles Hurt of The Washington Times wrote a column titled “Shut up Jimmy Kimmel, you elitist creep.”
Let’s unpack this heartless garbage line by line.
This is why America hates Hollywood.
How original. But sure, go on.
Late-night “funny” man Jimmy Kimmel delivered a heart-wrenching monologue Monday night that every mother and every father could relate to.
I can tell how much you care about his “heart-wrenching” monologue because the sentence started by taking a shot at him. This definitely isn’t cover for the awfulness that you’re about to print.
In the emotion-drunk moments last month after the birth of their son — still in the hospital room surrounded by nurses and euphoric family — he and his wife watched their boy turn blue and got the terrifying news that something was wrong with his heart. Or lungs. Or both.
Mr. Kimmel called it the “longest three hours of my life” as more nurses and doctors and machines crowded into the room and his little infant boy was cut open for emergency open-heart surgery. Which, thank the Lord, was successful.
Always good to clarify that you’re happy someone’s kid didn’t die before accusing them of using the episode to advance a political agenda.
And then his monologue went horribly awry.
The portion that Hurt described above took up 10 and a half minutes of a 13-minute monologue, but sure, let’s give your readers the impression he was ranting and raving like our president at one of his eternal campaign rallies.
Here was this moment highlighting the preciousness of life, the heroism of nurses, the unmatched expertise of surgeons and the magical power of family. And what is the point of it all for Jimmy Kimmel?
Politics. Grubby, dirty politics.
No, it wasn’t. That’s your interpretation of it. Again, he spent 80% of his speech telling the story and thanking everyone who supported him. But please, continue stretching the truth.
“I want to say one other thing,” Mr. Kimmel said after thanking all the people who just saved his baby son’s life, spared his family from a lifelong misery and supported them all through the whole traumatic ordeal.
“President Trump last month proposed a $6 billion cut in funding to the National Institutes of Health,” the “funny” man continued. “And, thank God, our congressmen made a deal last night to not go along with that.”
Protip: don’t use the same “joke” twice in one column. This would also be a good time to point out that a 2000 report from Congress calculated that the NIH produces a 25 to 40 percent return on every dollar invested in it. Somehow, preventing disease is less costly than treating it. Crazy, right?
It was suddenly as if, instead of bringing forth into life an exquisite bundle of joy, Mr. Kimmel had been handed a stupid golden statue. And, as if at the Oscars, the dirty, self-absorbed, narcissistic exhibitionist could not help himself but step into the klieg lights and start blubbering about politics.
I love how much people like Hurt claim to hate the Oscars, yet they talk about them whenever they get the chance.
“They actually increased funding by $2 billion. And I applaud them for doing that. Because more than 40 percent of the people who would have been affected by those cuts to the National Institutes of Health are children. And it would have a major impact on a lot of great places, including Children’s Hospital in Los Angeles,” he sobbed. “Which is so unbelievably sad to me.”
After his slobbering wet kiss to federal bureaucracy, Mr. Kimmel then went squealing on about Obamacare and how insurance companies, the government and your neighbors should all be forced to pay for everybody else’s health care. (Easy thing to say for a gazillionaire from Hollywood.)
Kimmel never said the words “Obamacare” or any combination of “Affordable Care Act” you hack. He was talking about coverage for preexisting conditions—which is one of the most popular parts of the ACA—and how under the health care law being debated right now, his infant child may be denied health care in the future thanks to this episode. But I guess it was too much to ask you to update this pre-written column that you have on hand to run every time a member of Hollywood has the audacity to exercise their first amendment rights on what their tax dollars go towards.
I mean, really, Jimmy, does your newborn child not mean more to you than petty politics? How do you look at the miracle of your child and think “partisan politics”?
Are you serious? Fuck you.
That is not to say he didn’t also lie and claim to be above partisan politics — even as he was pushing exactly that.
“Let’s stop this nonsense,” he said. “This isn’t football; there are no teams. We are the team — it’s the United States. Don’t let their partisan squabbles divide us on something every decent person wants.”
Yes, that’s right. He just had a kid and the kid nearly died, and he wants you to know that if you are not for bloated federal bureaucracy, socialized medicine, higher taxes and tons of more debt piled onto your grandchildren, then you are not a “decent person.”
No, again. Watch the video. This isn’t hard. Kimmel was talking about PREEXISTING CONDITIONS and how it’s monstrous to deny someone health care because their body imparts circumstances on them beyond anyone’s control. At no point in his monologue did he ever endorse any federal plan outside adequate funding for the historically effective NIH, and guaranteeing coverage for preexisting conditions—and by the way, 70% of Americans agree with him. Saying that someone who supports coverage for preexisting conditions automatically endorses socialized medicine is like saying you’re a Nazi for driving a Volkswagen.
Actually, Jim, if you were a “decent person,” you would shut your fat trap about partisan politics and go care for your kid, who just nearly died, you elitist creep.
Charlie Hurt, you are the opposite of a “decent person,” and you put words in Kimmel’s mouth to make it seem like he was using the near-death experience of his newborn son to advance a socialist political agenda, all in the name of clickbait. You are the monster that you are describing, and I suspect that deep down, you know this, because this essay was nothing more than a projection of your deep-seated insecurities.
Jacob Weindling is Paste’s business and media editor, as well as a staff writer for politics. Follow him on Twitter at @Jakeweindling.