It’s an undeniable fact that the Amazon Prime Video catalog is impressively massive in scope.
It’s also no secret that the Amazon Prime Video catalog is hopelessly broken in terms of UI, and more or less impossible to browse in any way that is sane or logical. And when you routinely compile lists of the best content streaming on services such as Amazon Prime as part of your job, it means you really can’t avoid confronting certain realities as a result, the most consistently entertaining of which is this: The Amazon Prime Video catalog is absolutely packed with the weirdest garbage you’ve never seen, and never will see.
Seriously. The average Prime subscriber will only ever use the service’s “search” function in order to find a particular film, or browse the surface menus for what has been newly added (and advertised) by the service. They’ll never explore 1% of how deep some of the service’s more bizarre rabbit holes go. In other words, they’ll never encounter some of these monuments to stupidity that are only discovered by the brave, addled explorers at Paste.
We’re here to change all that because you need to see some of this stuff. We need you to see what we’ve seen.
Let’s consider only the horror genre, or those films tagged as “horror” on Amazon Prime. Narrow it down exclusively to movies, and exclusively to films “included with Prime,” and we’re given … more than 5,000 results. Yes, there are more than 5,000 horror films that are technically included with your Prime membership, spooling out over the course of 339 pages on the web. There are 16 films on each page, if you were wondering. Does that number seem frustratingly arbitrary? Well, welcome to the sensation you’ll be feeling when you notice anything about Prime’s UI.
The following collection of films comes as a result of randomly scanning those 339 pages. All are currently available via Amazon Prime Video. None should be watched. Sympathy should be directed toward anyone who has successfully watched one.
I may have included a few more than 30 entries here, as I am feeling particularly magnanimous, and I want to make sure you get the full “attempting to browse Prime” experience you deserve.
You can click on any of the above images for a higher-resolution version.
The answer to the question “How do we top 3-Headed Shark Attack?” was apparently even simpler than we realized.
This is so clearly past the point of diminishing returns for shark heads that it’s threatening to break through the crust of the Earth and out the other side, China Syndrome-style.
If I dedicated the rest of my life to simply watching all of the bad shark movies on Amazon Prime, would I finish before my body returned to the loam?
Shit like this is exactly why you can’t trust demonic nuns.
“It’s Jaws in a house!” Oh, really? Is that what freaking HOUSE SHARK is? I thought it was a curiously titled biography of Peter Benchley! How silly of me.
But wait, here come the clowns, ready to give the sharks a run for their money as the most played-out of all possible horror subgenres.
Remember Killer Klowns from Outer Space? I remember it.
These clown movies get awfully specific. I’m holding out for the The Full Sturgeon Moon Clown, personally.
An immediate classic of the “we rammed two words together and hoped for the best” variety.
Ah yes, it’s Bram Stoker’s most timelessly beloved work … “Shadowbuilder.”
Remember The Howling? I remember it.
You had a title like Reptisaurus, and the best description you could come up with was “When a group of friends get stranded on a seemingly deserted island, they soon realize that they’re not alone”?
Taking home the coveted Oscar for “Weirdest Goddamn Syntax,” it’s Domination of the Becoming.
I mean sure, but what is your film ABOUT, though? Some sort of bear?
When you show up at the costume shop on the day of the shoot, and they’re all out of werewolf and ape suits.
Just as stupid as the other bunny suit horror film, but even more vaguely titled. Honestly, when you have access to multiple bunny suit horror films streaming on Amazon, that’s about the time when you can stop bothering to acquire any new films. This library is full.
Remember Jurassic World? I remember it.
“Fake Latin” isn’t nearly as widespread a naming convention in horror as “working in the word ‘Shark’ somehow,” but I still find it oddly compelling.
Fake Latin, and a Starship Troopers rip-off? Hook it directly to my veins!
I wish this was a film about a possessed ice cream truck, but there’s no way I’m that lucky.
The most terrifying film ever directed by the man who created A Talking Cat!?!
Looks up director: Ah, a white guy. Surely this will be a sensitive discourse on the futility of inner city violence.
Remember The Shining? I remember it.
Don’t hate this film for being called The Dark Shack. Hate it for the fact that it spells its protagonist’s name “Melany.”
Somebody owns himself a thesaurus, eh?
But seriously: Who is going to be browsing the streaming horror films of Amazon Prime and be enticed by the subtitle “Bereavement”?
Okay, now you’re just overcompensating for “Bereavement.” You went too hard in the opposite direction!
She’s baking you a nice apple brown betty with a sweet, crumbly coating of DEATH.
If this title is accurate, this film should be about 10 minutes long, right?
The only natural enemy of Prudent Bigfoot.
Long Island Bigfoot I could have bought, but now you’re just being silly.
Remember The Nun? I remember it—unfortunately.
My uncle always used to say that screaming death was the worst kind of death.
Of course, my other uncle insisted that killing death was the worst kind of death, so I guess your mileage may vary.
Do we have access to an overweight man? What about a prop gun? Great: Let’s MAKE A MOVIE!
Indie filmmaking 101: Nazis immediately make everything hilarious.
Jim Vorel is a Paste staff writer and resident genre geek. You can follow him on Twitter for more film and TV writing.