Here are 20 Other Things Gary Johnson Can't Name

Politics Features Gary Johnson
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Here are 20 Other Things Gary Johnson Can't Name

Following his inability to name the leader of North Korea, which followed hot on the heels of his inability to name any world leader, which followed hot on the heels of his utter bafflement when presented with the word “Aleppo,” we started to believe that Gary Johnson doesn’t actually know much at all.

Working from that theory, we sent Paste’s best undercover investigators to follow Johnson around for a week, witnessing his interactions with the world and peppering him with questions when possible. Their reports are in, and we can now present a totally factual, absolutely definitive list of 20 other things Gary Johnson cannot name.

1. The current president of the United States

2. Any individual state in the United States, including the one where he served as governor

3. A single type of tree or flower

4. Any of the three individual components of a triathlon, an event in which he competes regularly

5. The names of his two children

6. The tallest mountain in the world, which he climbed in 2003

7. The first name of any male from House Lannister in the Song of Ice and Fire universe

8. A single animal (Note: He said, “the crawl-y one,” which may have been a reference to worms, but when asked to be more specific, he just began to hum and stare at the floor)

9. The root word of “libertarianism,” even after it was pronounced very slowly

10. Another Johnson, anywhere in America (Note: He began giggling uncontrollably at this question)

11. Another Gary, anywhere in America (Note: Still apparently distracted by the previous question, he just smiled and whispered the word “penis”)

12. A book (he became irritable when told that Bazooka Joe comics don’t count)

13. Any tune, except for “Don’t Stop Believin’,” which he attributed to “The cast of the television show Glee

14. A TV show besides Glee

15. A day of the week (he calls them either “Goodday” or “Badday,” depending on whether it rains)

16. Any of the four Beatles (Note: Embarrassingly, he retroactively attempted to use “beatle” as the answer to the ‘tree or flower’ question)

17. The sun

18. His favorite part of the Constitution (he kept shouting “the cannons!” in apparent reference to the USS Constitution, even after we explained that we were referring to the document)

19. Any character in the bible, despite professing to be a devout Lutheran. And yes, we would have accepted “God”

20. The name of the next president of the United States (he kept saying “Gary Johnson”)

(Final note: When asked to name a single strain of medicinal marijuana, which he used for four years as pain medication following a paragliding accident, he immediately reeled off over 600 varieties, then asked, “did you want sativa too, or are the indica strains good enough?”)