You guys know me.
I’ve been a member of the digital #resistance since the moment Drumpf took office, and have used my social media platforms to amplify messages from those who truly understand the plight of America today, like Louise Mensch and Eric Garland. My political awakening came during the first 2008 Obama campaign, even though it wasn’t my first opportunity to vote. (Believe me, I can’t tell you how much I wish we had a president who could make speeches like that man right now.) The most heartbreaking day of my life came when Hillary Clinton lost the election to Donald Trump, undermined by a coalition of radical alt-right deplorables and alt-left purists. I’m the kind of person who believes in the clap emoji inserted between every word of a powerful tweet, in the ecstatic screaming of the words “yas kween,” and in righteous all-caps posts written on Medium. I believe, above all, in the symbolic victory.
So yesterday, when I watched the unbelievable speech at [insert celebrity event] by [insert celebrity name], it wasn’t enough for me to recognize it as a powerful and unifying message for social justice. In the ongoing fight to remedy this serious problem, some may think it was enough to celebrate this moment as a clarion call to fix the destructive, systemic abuse that has hurt people, damaged careers, and brought shame to our country. A normal person might remember this as a rallying cry, and devote themselves in whatever manner possible to ensuring that we will put the disgrace behind us and continue to approach a place of civic and social enlightenment.
But for me? Sorry. It’s simply not enough.
Watching [insert celebrity name] last night, I wondered if this 9-minute speech could transcend the [celebrity event]. What if, I thought, this was the moment the #resistance found its hero? What if Drumpf was watching from the White House, tiny hands quaking, hoping that people like me wouldn’t notice the groundswell of a transformative movement? What if [insert celebrity name] could save us?
[Insert celebrity name] needs to run for president.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…the list of celebrities I have previously endorsed in the fight against Drumpf is long. You may remember similar think pieces in the past where I endorsed potential candidates such as Mark Cuban, Oprah Winfrey, Mark Zuckerberg, Taylor Swift, Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, Meryl Streep, George Clooney, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, every female in the Obama and Clinton family no matter how young, Tina Fey, Eminem, Jimmy Kimmel, Mike Bloomberg, Morgan Freeman, Beyonce, Reese Witherspoon, Jimmy Fallon (on a feel-good centrist-incrementalist ticket), Rachel Maddow, Alec Baldwin (imagine a whole campaign where he IMPERSONATES Trump to show that he’s bad…unbeatable), Shonda Rhimes, The Rock, William Kristol, Sally Albright, James Comey, Elon Musk, J-Law, Howard Schultz, Lauren Duca, PewDiePie from YouTube (I now regret this), Logan Paul (ditto), Prince Mohammad bin Salman of Saudi Arabia, and Peter Thiel.
But this time I really mean it. [Insert celebrity name] is the real deal.
And no, I won’t apologize for my past. Other than the racist YouTube stars, who were monuments of inspiration before they revealed their ugly souls, I think every one of these men and women check off a very important box in the fight against Drumpf: The celebrity box.
Yes, you read that right. A big part of why Trump won the election, and rallied so many deplorables to his side, was the simple fact that he had name recognition. People knew his face, knew his voice, knew his style. On top of that, he had a sort of brutish charisma learned from thousands of hours in the spotlight.
There are some who believe that celebrity politics is fundamentally flawed, but for me, we live in a TV world and it’s time to accept it. To the Bernie Bro purists, this makes me superficial, but I don’t care—I’m not some soulless policy wonk, and I won’t apologize for it. Yes, it would be great if we got universal college security, and all that, but it’s also important to be realistic. And in my political reality, there’s one operating truth: You can only beat a celebrity with another celebrity.
Politics is a spectacle. It’s about speeches that make the hair on the back of your neck stand up, and it’s about vicious one-liners at the debate (if Hillary had more moments like her infamous “I call it Trump’ed-up trickle down,” she would have won in a landslide), and who can inspire the most memes. And nobody in their right mind would argue that a run-of-the-mill politician can move the needle like a bona-fide celeb.
Let me put it in very simple terms: Being a president is about being famous. Celebrities are already good at being famous. Therefore, celebrities are already good at being president. That is, literally, the only experience they need. We just have to give them a chance!
We need to change this country for the better—there are very few people, on the right or left, who would disagree with that statement. But it’s not enough for someone like Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren to rattle off policy positions in the magical hope that they’ll suddenly be passed. We’re in the age of Drumpf, and in order to reach any of our goals, the #resistance must remove him from office. But we can’t be naive in this critical battle—we must fight fire with fire. We must fight celebrity with celebrity.
And based on last night’s goosebump-inducing speech at [insert celebrity event], I’m convinced that we must hand our nation’s political future, and our hope for a better world, to none other than [insert celebrity name].
Even saying those words makes me feel so good. It makes me feel warm, and safe, and secure. I know in my heart that if we just nominate [insert celebrity name], [he/she] will cradle us like babies and shove us gently in reverse through the political birth canal, and we will land in the warm womb we loved so much before Drumpf, where we never have to think, or worry, where everybody is happy and has money, and where, God help us, we can wander through life in a blissful stupor, confident that the ravages of war and poverty and racism will never touch us, where we can live as well-fed little historical anomalies who never have to really struggle, never have to fight…where we can die without ever opening our eyes.
Please, [Insert celebrity name], take me backward in time. I’ve made it so long without reconciling myself to the real, concrete, issue-oriented political battle that stands before me, and it can’t be too late to forget everything.