The twelfth season of FXX’s hit show “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” gets underway today, January 4th, and fans of the program are eagerly awaiting the return of The Gang (Dennis, Mac, Charlie, Dee, and Frank), as well as their coterie of horrible acquaintances. Other publications will likely focus on the show’s critical merit, hilarious writing, and brilliantly weird plots. But we here at Paste Soccer (where the beautiful game is always on the brain) are taking the logical route to the upcoming season, in that we’re creating a wonderfully dysfunctional soccer team composed entirely of the characters who inhabit the Always Sunny-verse. Without further ado…
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Luther "Mac's Dad" McDonald - Goalkeeper
The frequency of his incarcerations means that he's comfortable staying confined to a small box, and he's also used to rejecting things (usually his son's requests for fatherly love). In addition, the fact that he rarely blinks means he's never taking his eye off the ball.
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Gail the Snail AKA The Garbage Pail Cousin - Right Back
She's one of the grossest characters on the show, which means no one really wants to get too close to her. The Snail is also notoriously difficult to get rid of, which means she will stick with her mark like horrible, horrible glue. There's only one way to get rid of her, and it seems pretty unlikely that any attackers will be carrying salt around with them.
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Ryan and Liam McPoyle - Centerbacks
Defenders have to be nasty, and that word (in all of its many meanings) describes the McPoyle brothers pretty accurately. They do EVERYTHING together (gross), and can function in even the hottest, most clammy of environments. Depth perception could be a problem for Liam, but it's hard to imagine anyone wanting to tangle with the duo… cause when you mess with the McPoyles, you get fork stabbed.
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The Lawyer - Left Back
Although he recently lost his right eye, the gang's consistent nemesis is still a force to be reckoned with, especially since he doesn't shy away from a duel (aerial or otherwise). He's clever in dealing with straightforward situations, hence why he's now the owner of the world-famous Kitton Mittons, but can let his lust for revenge get the better of him.
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Ronald "Mac" McDonald - Right Winger
Mac has always fancied himself on the right wing, even though his real leanings might be a little to the left. So why not put him where he thinks he wants to be? He'll be able to assess opportunities via his patented Ocular Patdown, and above all will retain order, like he always does.
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Frank "The Warthog" Reynolds - Defensive Central Midfielder
Take a squatter, more deranged Gennaro Gattuso and add copious use of "performance enhancing drugs" (AKA - nose clams) and you've got The Gang's oldest member. Needs to be close to Charlie due to their, as Dennis puts it, "stupid strange connection."
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Charlie Kelly - Attacking Central Midfielder
As demonstrated in the episode "Charlie Work," Mr. Kelly is capable of running multiple gameplans at once. He also batted 1.000 after drinking over 70 beers on a cross-country flight: George Best would no doubt approve. Bonus: Charlie isn't exactly literate, so he won't be able to read negative articles about him.
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Father Matthew "Rickety Cricket" Mara - Left Winger
His cameos tend to come out of left field and always have an amazing impact, so why not play to his strengths? He's a proven survivor, who can evade even the most dedicated pursuer.. or ManHunter. He's capable of deploying dirty tactics, like blowing sand in the faces of opponents, and deception, cause on the street… you have to fake it.
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Deandra "Sweet Dee" Reynolds - Striker
As CharDee MacDennis has proven hundreds of times over, when Dennis and Dee are paired together, they never lose. She's as likely as Dennis to be absolutely ruthless to get what she wants, and won't hesitate to berate someone if it means she'll get what she wants. The only downside is that she looks like a bird.
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Dennis "The Golden God" Reynolds - Center Forward
Obviously has to be front and center, since he is the embodiment of physical perfection (according to himself). Will utilize seemingly insane tactics to ensure he scores (a la The D.E.N.N.I.S. System) and is comfortable lying, cheating and manipulating in order to obtain the preferred result.