Back in the day, the official club shop used to consist of little more than replica kits, scarves and hats, and a collection of cheap and cheerful pins and badges which would end up cluttering that random kitchen drawer for years to come. But in the commercialized world of the Premier League, it’s possible to get pretty much anything, no matter how useless, tacky or tenuous, with the crest and colors of your favorite team emblazoned across it.
With the holiday season fast approaching, we’ve trawled through the official store sites of the English top-flight’s 20 teams for the ultimate guide in what not to buy the soccer fan in your life this Christmas.
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Arsenal Piggy Bank
Arsenal appear to be trolling those supporters disgruntled at their lack of spending over the years here. Indeed, with the club reportedly more cash-rich than Real Madrid, Barcelona and Bayern combined, one can only assume that director Sir Chips Keswick has a very large one of these hidden somewhere in the boardroom.
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Bournemouth Anti-Slip Dashboard Pad
Bournemouth fans may be worrying about the Cherries' recent gradual slip down the table. But they no longer have to worry about their mobile phones slipping all over their ride thanks to one of those accessories filed under 'invention you never knew existed.'
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Burnley Pink Glitter T-Shirt
Burnley have famously played in claret and blue since 1910. So, this super-pink and super-glittery t-shirt, which, of course, is only available in the ladies range, suggests that at least one gender stereotype is still going strong at the Premier League's ultimate yo-yo team.
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Chelsea Chef's Hat
Gordon Ramsay, Nigella Lawson and Aldo Zilli are reportedly all long-time fans of the Blues, which perhaps goes some way in explaining why this Velcro-clad chef's hat is a thing. But it's unlikely that any of the culinary experts would ever don something as garish as this to make their half-time snack.
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Crystal Palace Loom Bands
Never let it be said that Crystal Palace don't know how to squeeze every last penny out of their fans. This collection of red and blue rubber bands may just be the flimsiest piece of soccer merchandise on the block.
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Everton Trolley Coin Keyring
Coin-operated trolleys can be a major first world problem if you find yourself at the supermarket without any spare change. But for Everton fans, this is now a major first world problem of the past.
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Hull City Double Duvet
Hull City's home colors are a bit of an eyesore at the best of times. But if you're a Tigers fan who likes the idea of sleeping in a 70s time warp every day, then this unashamedly retro piece will leave you wanting a duvet day every day.
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Leicester City Mouse Mat
Okay, so you can't particularly blame Leicester City for getting a little carried away and emblazoning everything with their title-winning achievement. But this rather basic mouse mat isn't exactly the most exciting way to commemorate by far the greatest triumph in Premier League history.
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Liverpool Rubik's Cube
You have to go way back to the 1989-90 season for the last time that Liverpool were crowned champions of England. So, it perhaps makes sense that some of the club's merchandise is also firmly stuck in the decade that taste forgot.
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Manchester City Elf Sweater
Will Ferrell has a lot to answer for. The elf sweater has become an inexplicably popular thing at the Premier League's club stores this season, but reluctant model Vincent Kompany's facial expression says it all.