The Ugly American: 8 Fun Ways to Get Uber F*#ked

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I must say that it appears to me that the Uber taxi app is the date rapist of car services (in my own opinion and not affiliated with anyone or thing that has enough liquidity to be worth suing.) But that doesn’t mean it can’t be fun, kids! Below are eight sure-fire ways to have fun with Uber!


Have fun waking up to find, for example, an $85 charge on your Paypal account for the four-mile ride home the night before. Have a chuckle being certain this must be a mistake. How can the ride home be $85 when it was only four miles and the ride there was only $6.21? Silly Uber.


Have fun finding a legitimate customer-service phone number. Since Uber is likely getting inundated with outrage over their service of late, it seems they’ve taken to redirecting their published phone numbers to a message center located somewhere deep inside Satan’s anus. This is where your appeal for an explanation will live forever, never to be seen, or especially heard, again.


Have fun reading the robo responses you get when you leave email feedback like, “A four-mile ride for $85!!!!!! I can buy a plane ticket to MIAMI for that!!!!! This must be a MISTAKE!!!!” Robo responses that begin with, “Thanks for reaching out to us for help with your recent Uber issue,” and end with a total turd pile of mid-level corporate suck-up speech that in my opinion translates to, “We raped you because you were asking for it.”


Have fun trying to reason with this mechanical soul-sucking feedback generator with statements like, “I just clicked the black car on the app!! I thought that meant I was ordering a generic car!! It’s the only car icon on the app, why aren’t the other, non-ass raping options given easily clickable icons like the bat-mobile option?”


Have fun trying to figure out any logic to their surge pricing practice, where they try to justify how the approximate 1200% difference between the charge for the ride there and the ride back is due to things like “demand” and “weather conditions” when the weather was perfect and you can’t fathom a demand for any service that charges $10 a minute, not even a lap dance from the amazing Nicki Minaj her own self.


Have fun realizing they charged you a one-dollar “safe-ride fee,” which is the equivalent of a restaurant charging you a “no-poison-in-your-food” fee, or a mechanic charging you a “no-car-bomb-in-your-floorboard” fee, or a hotel charging you a “no-murderer-under-your-bed” fee, or a pre-school charging you a “no-shaken-baby-syndrome” fee.


Have fun Googling the search term “Uber sucks” to see that, oh my God!, it’s totally common knowledge that this company is run by a bunch of evil, mutant, masturbating spider monkeys who prey on their patrons with no remorse or justification other than vague bloviations that amount to “you clicked something, so we get to charge you the equivalent of a month’s groceries, and maybe you shouldn’t have gone out and, for once, had fun now that your child is finally, after 15 years, okay to hang with her friends at your place until 11 o’clock, so like maybe, MAYBE, you can rely on this supposedly awesome car service app to take you to and from a modest, annual, nearby revelry of friends that you get to attend for the first time ever.”*


Lastly, have fun waking up with blood coming out your ass.

*In my opinion.

Hollis Gillespie writes a weekly travel column for Paste. She is a writing instructor, travel expert and author of We Will be Crashing Shortly, coming out in June. Follow her on Twitter.