The 30 Best Dwight Schrute Quotes

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20. Accidentally vs. On Purpose
“People say, ‘oh it’s dangerous to keep weapons in the home, or the workplace.’ Well I say, it’s better to be hurt by someone you know, accidentally, than by a stranger, on purpose.”

19. Menstruation Wishes
“I wish I could menstruate. If I could menstruate, I wouldn’t have to deal with idiotic calendars anymore. I’d just be able to count down from my previous cycle. Plus I’d be more in tune with the moon and the tides.”

18. Ideal Choice
“Once I’m officially Regional Manager, my first order of business will be to demote Jim Halpert. So I will need a new number two. My ideal choice? Jack Bauer. But he is unavailable. Fictional. And overqualified.”

17. Healthcare in the Wild
“In the wild, there is no healthcare. Healthcare is “Oh, I broke my leg!” A lion comes and eats you, you’re dead. Well, I’m not dead, I’m the lion, you’re dead!”

16. Superior Cousins
“Congratulations on your one cousin. I have seventy, each one better than the last!”

15. Regular Ideas
“Now that I own the building I’m looking for new sources of revenue. And a daycare center? Muahahahahahahahaha…Well I guess it’s not an evil idea, it’s just a regular idea, but there’s no good laugh for a regular idea.”

14. Immunity Logic
“The principle is sound. To avoid illness, expose yourself to germs, enabling your immune system to develop antibodies. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do this… Maybe they have something against living forever.”

13. The Person You Least, Medium and Most Suspect
“It’s never the person who you most suspect. It’s also never the person you least suspect since anyone with half a brain would suspect them the most. Therefore, I know the killer to be Phyllis… The person who I most medium suspect.”

12. Real Heroes
“No, don’t call me a hero. Do you know who the real heroes are? The guys who wake up every morning and go into their normal jobs, and get a distress call from the Commissioner and take off their glasses and change into capes and fly around fighting crime. Those are the real heroes.”

11. Water Cooler Gossip
“It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.”