Eight Signs You’re Under a Dome

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Between worrying about hurricanes or tornadoes, we couldn’t even begin to predict the circumstances behind this year’s hottest Monday-night act-of-God disaster: The Dome (Sharknado aired on a Thursday). As seen in CBS’ Under the Dome, this behemoth, Pyrex-esque barrier has held the small Maine town of Chester’s Mill hostage for the better part of our summer every Monday night.

The show’s delivery ranges from riveting to hokey, but one thing is true: It’s kept us on-board for its full run. To prep yourself for the show’s sixth episode, which airs tonight at 10 p.m. on CBS, take a look at eight sure signs that you’re stuck under a Dome. And then call Domeland Security. Or get Dome-owners’ insurance. Or maybe…Ed.—We cut him off here.

8. There’s No Cellphone Service
Thanks to The Dome’s coverage, the first thing you might notice is that you’re digitally cut off from outside civilization, possibly even your loved ones, but most noticeably Facebook and Instagram. But the worst part about these first moments under the Dome—and a lingering pain that lasts through episode three for many of the teenagers—is that you can’t even YouTube a clip of the first dork who runs head-first into the invisible barrier. I thought you might just get charged extra for Dome-ing fees.

7. Cars Be Crashin’
If you think you’re under a Dome, your best bet is to stick to bike or foot transportation. A key characteristic of a Dome hanging over your town is that cars—even Hummers, semi-trucks and the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety award-winning Honda Fit—will crumple into metal piles out of nowhere when they hit the Dome, even at cruising speeds. But for those who must use gas-powered transportation, keep an eye out for dead birds or halved cows to mark your way (we’ll touch on this one later).

6. A Rogue Army Vet Appears in Your Town Under Mysterious Circumstances
The Dome draws all types in, but in every recorded instance of a Dome touching down on a small Maine town that was later documented by Stephen King and adapted for CBS, there’s always been one handsome Army vet there to step in, (sorta) save the day and add some sex appeal and mystery.

5. Outbreaks
We already knew the Dome clutches onto smoke for extended periods, but it acts the same way with sickness and germs, so illness spreads very rapidly. Naturally, your best option here is to corral your sick into a clinic, point a shotgun at them and dare them to leave.

4. The Government is Trying to Blow You Up
In the last episode, the U.S. military attempted a little Dome improvement by firing a “MOAB” (mother of all bombs) to see if it would shatter. Don’t stress. Like any good enclosure, yours should withstand any attack the Man has to offer, so sit back, relax, pop some popcorn, and enjoy the fireworks from the safety of your own Dome.

3. Your Son’s Girlfriend Starts Acting Up, So She Has to be Held Captive
Okay, so this is just the worst. But it’s common knowledge that after cellphone service goes down, after you’ve got a rogue army vet trying to put the town in place, someone’s girlfriend is going to start acting a little off because of the Dome and not because her boyfriend is an absolute lunatic. Naturally, the only remedy here is to chain her to a bed in some kind of underground structure until she comes to her senses.

2. There are Halved Animals
This thing just lands where it lands, so cutting down a few animals is a classic Dome move. Look out for cows, hedgehogs, horses—really any animal you can cut in half—that are separated in solid, Dome-like lines.

1. Your Youngest Residents Have Seizures and Blurt “Pink Stars Are Falling. Pink Stars Are Falling in Lines”
Who knows what kind of pressure this Dome puts on our young ones, but it’s better than doing drugs, right? Under the Dome, “Pink Stars Are Falling. Pink Stars Are Falling in Lines” is basically like the new “Macarena.”