Season 1 of Succession followed wannabe prodigy Kendall Roy (Jeremy Strong) as he attempted to take control of his family’s multi-billion-dollar media conglomerate. Some drug abuse issues, a failed coup, and dead cater-waiter later, he’s left a broken, sad sack of a man who can do nothing but beg for forgiveness and bend to his father Logan’s (Brian Cox) every demand. While Logan was probably never going to give Kendall the CEO position he thinks he wants so badly anyway, that Chappaquiddick moment sealed his fate.
Kendall’s dramatic fall from grace brings us to Season 2, where it seems Siobhan (Sarah Snook) is the frontrunner to take over Waystar-Royco after Logan’s eventual retirement. But given his lifetime of manipulation and broken promises, Shiv knows not to truly believe her father’s words; still, her deep-rooted desire for power clouds her judgment. Although she tends to trust all the wrong people, she shows she can be as ruthless and cold-blooded as the rest of her family, even stooping so far as to intimidate a witness out of testifying—for the good of the company, of course. As the season progresses, Shiv’s blinding hubris and lack of business experience send her similarly out of the running.
As Succession returns, there’s nothing I want more than a whole season dedicated to giving Roman (Kieran Culkin) a shot. Chaos incarnate, Roman gets a fair amount of hate for consistently saying the most obnoxious thing he can at any given moment, but he’s also a reliable source of comic relief and has one of the strongest character arcs thus far. Most importantly, however, is that Roman makes up half of one of TV’s greatest, most entertaining psychosexual relationships. Roman and Gerri’s (J. Smith Cameron) connection (fueled by actors Culkin and Cameron’s real life, decades-long professional and personal relationship) is so endearing and is one of the many reasons Succession is the horniest show about business acumen you’ll ever see.
So as we gear up for Succession Season 3, I’m here to manifest the Roman-centric season we all deserve by delivering one of my favorite Roman Roy lines from each episode so far. This one’s for all you slime puppies.
Roman Roy’s very first line is a simple, yet extremely telling “Hey, hey motherfuckers!”
The beginning of history’s greatest love story: “I suck at the whole corporate flirt thing, I just like to lube up and fuck.”
Unbridled, baseless confidence and genuinely his best idea: “Can I suggest we all take our shirts off?”
“I don’t need a babysitter, especially one I don’t get fuck.”
What is Roman grateful for on Thanksgiving? “I’m thankful I was not born a Siamese twin.”
“People like me, I look like a matador and everyone wants to fuck me.” Bonus points for Gerri’s silence in the background.
On family therapy: “This is what it looks like when you resolve all your issues.” Couldn’t agree more, bud.
“Congratulations Tom, I hear you swallowed your own load.”
Leaving a losing conversation in the classiest of ways: “Well… these hands aren’t gonna fuck themselves so…”
After the Japanese rocket explodes on the launchpad: “Guess who didn’t kill anyone but maybe only lost a couple of thumbs?”
Proving he understands the eternal truth of Logan Roy: “You realize how fucked you’re going to be as soon as you’re of no use to him?”
“I have this overwhelming urge to either knee someone in the vagina or spit on the floor.”
His number one adversary returns: “Frank! It hasn’t been the same without you… it’s been better.”
Gerri and Roman’s relationship takes an exciting turn: “I could just leave you on the pillow so you can hear my brilliance cascading.”
“I was hoping we could touch base about my entire future being Hindenberged—oh the Romanity!”
“Like, me, kind of a Jagger-Tarzan fronting things up swinging through trees with my little dick, singing and killing shit, and you, back home, cooking us soup and making sure the numbers are right. Rockstar and the molewoman?”
“Waystar? Waystar Royco? We do rollercoasters and hate speech.”
Insulting Rhea but sure to let her know she’s hot, too: “You’re like a peppy fun-gun set to MILF, with a Lean-In, woman-y branding thing that works with the Fit-Bit-moron-whatever-people.”
“Yes, Shiv, fuck Congress, have I shocked you?”
A sweet and earnest boy after being held hostage, trying to start a conversation with his siblings: “Look, if we come through this… is there a thing where we like… talk to each other about stuff? Normally?”
Kristen Reid is a writer, covering television for Paste Magazine, Vulture, and Film School Rejects. She’s been known to spend too much time rewatching her favorite sitcoms, yelling at her friends to watch more TV, and falling in love with fictional characters. You can follow her on Twitter @kreidd for late-night thoughts on whatever she’s bingeing now.
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