My God. I love the It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia gang for their complete refusal to produce uplifting content, and I love the unrelenting darkness, but last night’s episode, “Mac Kills His Father,” might have been the most disturbing, least redemptive of them all…and that’s really saying something. I mean, a sub-sub-plot of this episode is that ferry boat captains are ramming their ships into power plants for no special reason, and that dark little nugget doesn’t eve make the top 15!
Before we get into the darkest moments, here’s a brief plot recap: Mac’s dad Luther is accused of decapitating a man with a stop sign, and is now in prison facing the death penalty. Meanwhile, Bill Ponderosa, wearing a tuxedo, shows up to Paddy’s Pub announcing his intention to drink himself to death. The show’s two plots involve Mac and Charlie trying to exonerate Luther, and Frank, Dennis, and Dee convincing Bill to stick around. Dark enough yet? Well, just wait, because more darkness ensues. Here, in chronological order, are the show’s 15 darkest moments:
1. Mac’s Dad Doesn’t Love Him, Part 1
After Luther warns Mac and Charlie off the case when they visit him in prison, Mac desperately calls out “I love you!” to his dad, who gives him only the cold stare of death in response.
Mac thinks it’s probably a problem with the phone.
It’s not just the lack of hesitation…it’s the raw enthusiasm.
3. Bill Ponderosa’s Special Occasion
Why is he drinking, you ask? Why don’t we let Bill tell us himself:
“I’m going to kill myself! Yeah, no, no, I’m going to drink myself to death.”
Again, it’s the happiness that makes it even darker, somehow, than a normal suicide.
4. Why, Bill?
“I botched it. Life, you know? Old BP had a good run, though, you know? It’s like there’s this tiny little soul man in my body driving me around. That little soul man’s ready to power ole Bill down and move on the next party monster. Oh come on! You guys own a bar! You watch people slowly kill themselves every day, am I right? Keep it open!”
5. Maureen Ponderosa Has Turned Herself Into a Cat
Or, as she puts it, “I’ve had a few plastic surgeries to enhance my natural beauty.” Among the alterations? Her breasts are now in her face.
6. Bill’s Goth Son Doesn’t Seem to Like His Old Man
Again, we have to turn to the unique dialogue stylings of the show: “I don’t call him dad. I call him “Mr. Cocksucker” because he sucks so many cocks.”
The reaction is pretty amazing too, particularly from Dennis:
7. Bill’s Family is Way Cool With the Suicide Plan
“If he dies, we get money.” Spoken very casually, very matter-of-fact. When horror is no longer horrifying, that’s the most horrific of all…or something.
The daughter—about whom Bill said that she’s “too fat to be a slut” after he tried to serve her an omelette with cocaine in it (yup)—wants to buy a cell phone, but the goth son wants to buy a gun:
8. “You’re a hooker!” “You’re a fat slut!”
Dee is not about to get caught being the bigger person. The way the goth son starts clapping and smiling is truly delightful, in the darkest way possible.
9. Mac’s Dad Threatens to Kill Him
And that damn phone still doesn’t work when he tries to tell him he loves him.
10. Reasons why Life is Not Worth Living
Dennis, Dee, and Frank each have a go at convincing Bill that life is worth living. Dennis starts with extolling the virtues of a mani/pedi, to which Bill replies that the women at those salons are sex workers who were shipped to America in crates packed like (and with) sardines.
“Those girls doing your nails?” says Bill. “They probably tugged a guy off right before you.”
Dee’s next, and she advocates for the simple pleasures in life, like the sweet taste of a red apple. No go, says Bill: The sex workers use fruit in their act.
“Citrus masks the taste of a dirty penis,” he says, in words that I could not possibly make up. “In fact, 95 percent of fruit has usually been in someone’s orifice before it even reaches the market.”
11. What Makes Frank Happy
Has to be read to be believed:
“What makes me happy, it’s like, at night I ride around town in a limousine, partying, having a good time. When I’m on my way home I pass a bum and take a balloon with some champagne in it, and lob it out and bean him. And he only gets a little bit in his mouth, he doesn’t get the whole thing. Not even a full sip of it! And then you say, ‘hey how do you like a taste of the good life, you sack of shit!’”
12. They Take a Life Insurance Policy Out on Bill
If he’s going to kill himself anyway, they may as well profit, right? DARK.
13. Charlie’s Mom Describes Her Sex Acts To Him
That’s enough, right? I don’t have to type out what she actually says? This .gif should give you a fair idea. Just follow her hands, if you dare:
She was with Luther, by the way. Is there anything darker than a mom explaining to her son why she can’t resist having sex with anyone who asks? GAHHH. Charlie’s reaction basically sums up my emotions:
14. Mac Has to Rationalize His Father Being Gay
When he learns that Luther slept with the man who actually committed the murder, he can’t admit the truth, just as he can’t with himself. Get ready for some major rationalization:
“Oh my God, this is crazy you guys know what this means? That my father was trying to establish dominance, and that’s the only reason he was in his butt. It’s about power. I feel like we should make that known, that it’s about power.”
15. Mac Kills His Father
By exposing the truth about the real killer, Mac thinks he’s saved his father’s life. Instead, it now appears to the other inmates that Luther was a rat, which has condemned him to death inside the prison. Good work, Mac!
“They’re going to kill me in here…because of you.”
Also, Luther still doesn’t respond to the words “I love you.” Mac tries, but Luther’s succinct response—“I don’t”—is the cherry on top of the whole darkness sundae.